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Disposable:Junior Braves Survival Guide to the Apocalypse:3 Please Put On Pants

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Starring: 🌽 Zeb, 📝 Rachel, and 🚬 Larry
Guest Starring: Alia Twigston, Tribe Master/Vampire; Carla (Larry's mom); Uriah (Zeb's cousin)
Challenge: Something is wrong with Carla; Alia is a vampire; the US Military; and Exploding Pumpkins
Location: Hillsbury Homes; Abandoned Psych Hospital; Pig Slaughterhouse; Zeb's Home; Pumpkin Patch
Date Played: 10 Feb 2021


Heading to Hillsbury Homes Until We See the Military

🌽 Zeb: We head to Hillsbury Homes. Ditch the truck. 3 Helicopters circling. Soldiers directing people. Evacuating everyone with no destination stated.

Carla, Larry's mom, comes out of an alley, drugged up. We guide her and go to the abandoned psych hospital.

📝 Rachel: When the flood alarms go off, I start organizing the Tribe. You do not mess around with the flood alarms. We get Alia into the truck, and head for Hillsbury Homes, the high-ground neighborhood. The place is crawling with soldiers [nts: crawling? overrun? also, is "soldiers" right? "military?"], and they're barking out orders like angry dogs [nts: ugly metaphor]: "Total town evacuation. There's greater than expected flooding, and other circumstances."

I don't trust that at all. We ditch the truck, to be less obvious. Larry's mom shows up, and [nts: just say "Renfielded" for this, explain later] has been Renfielded. We need to get off the streets, so we head for the abandoned psychiactric hospital [nts: look up the name, you should know this off the top of your head]

Hiding in the Abandoned Psych Hospital

🌽 Zeb: Owls distracts bullies. We explore and find a VFW style room with a kerosine heater.

Carla is obsessed with "joining the herd". Almost hypnotized.

The next morning, Zeb sees someone else with binoculars over at Hillsbury Homes.

Alia is more allergic to the sun. We make her a cloak out of American flags. Rachel checks out the bullies in the building. They have snacks and are passed out.

📝 Rachel: It's a restless night. We manage to find an old bar-type-thing, like a patriot bar or something? There are flags and army stuff. [nts: something about veterans in the psych hospital? makes sense, Zeb said something about 'vfw' whatever that is] There were also some high school kids partying over in the main wing, we avoid them- if anything, they're likely to get us caught by being idiots. That doesn't stop me from "borrowing" some of their snacks. The food is trash, but it's still food, and we haven't exactly had a chance to stock up.

In the morning, Alia displays severe photophobia. If there were any questions about vampirism and renfields, I think that settles them all.

Alia needs to eat. EAT. And none of us are about to volunteer, so we hatch a plan: get her covered up with old flags, and then head off to the slaughterhouse. They have some pigs there- not many, and they were already bound for the line when everything went down. Instead of getting plugged with a captive bolt gun, they're gonna… [nts: good details on how slaughtehouses work, glad we studied that some]

Alia Feeds on Live Pigs. Ew.

🌽 Zeb: We head to the slaughterhouse. The pigs have been abandoned and Zeb feeds them. Alia then feeds on a couple of small pigs and feels much better.

📝 Rachel: … keep Alia moving.

We lure a pig out of the corral and into the killing floor, where Alia… So, one of mom's boyfriends was a film guy. I was like, I dunno, 8? 6? He and ma decided to get stoned and he made us all watch this thing called Roar. It's about a family who lives with lions in Africa, and they're… just lions. Like everywhere. And they bite and attack the people, and it's real, like even as a kid, I knew that wasn't fake blood. The guy- uh, Leo, I think?- he was bragging about it. "They owned this rescue and lived with the lions and the daughter character needed plastic surgery after." I was screaming and crying but he made me sit on the couch and watch, "this is real!" he yelled and mom just laughed.

Alia reminded me of those lions. Like, they kept the lions as pets? They were nice and friendly and would cuddle… and then would bite someone's face and everyone would be screaming. When I look at Alia now, all I think about are those lions.

Car Repairs and the Pumpkin Patch

🌽 Zeb: The truck gets stuck in mud. We brawn our way through it but there is now a gas leak! We immediately head to the gas station. Larry breaks us in. Zeb starts the generator and finds a gas can.

At Zeb's home the family is gone. Uriah is hiding in a closet. The military force-ably removed everyone. Mom made Uriah hide in the closet. Rachel fixes the car. Larry discovers that the pumpkin patch has huge pumpkins that are mottled and off-colored. He brings it back to Zeb's house. Uriah notes that some of the animals are missing. Zeb notes that the pumpkins look like they have been growing for a few seasons without winter.

Larry and Zeb walk the pumpkin patch. There is a dead body in the fertilizer (auto irrigator). The body is a school mate.

Larry and Zeb play Dunkirk with exploding pumpkins, getting some on Rachel. The goo makes some rats go crazy. Rachel takes her pants off, making Zeb uncomfortable.

Suddenly there is a helicopter flying around the town. We hide in the car.

📝 Rachel: We leave Alia there, with the pigs. Alia takes Carla aside, before we leave though, and somehow… un-does the Renfield effect? Carla's normal. Carla's more normal than I've ever seen her.

The truck is out of gas, and it appears to be leaking. [nts: fuck, that last bit was hard to write, my hands are fucking shaking, just get the overview down] We rob a gas station, getting gas and more food. It's still crap. Zeb's place has probably got stuff to fix the truck, so we go there.

I get under the car and try and rig up a replacement gas line, while Zeb and Larry wander off. After I fix the truck, Carla, Jamie, and I head around to the other side of the pumpkin patch, trying to track down Zeb and Larry.

AND THEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS AND I AM GOING TO KILL THEM I AM GOING TO KILL BOTH OF THEM WHEN THIS IS OVER AND I ENDED UP NEEDING TO SQUEEZE INTO THE CAB WITH JAMIE AND I HAVE NO PANTS AND I AM GOING TO KILL THEM SO MANY TIMES

[nts: calmed down now] Okay, really, they're chucking rocks at infected pumpkins. Like alien pumpkins. One explodes, and all the rats near it get covered and go nuts, like rat murder orgy nuts. Then Larry and Zeb throw another rock, and hit a pumpkin near me, and the goo splatters on my pants. I'm terrified of it touching me, so I take off my pants. I have no pants. Zeb tries to have me wear his pants, but they're too big, and I also don't want to see Zeb's tighty-whities (which after the past few days aren't terribly white).

I am going to kill them.

Rachel's House and `/r/all`

🌽 Zeb: We then go to Rachel's. The power randomly comes on and we head to /r/all. In a video we watch as Jesus walks on water, but he looks like he is becoming a vampire.

We sleep at Rachel's house.

📝 Rachel: Since I need pants, we go back to Louisa's place. Power comes back on, so we have five minutes of Internet, and I use it to browse reddit. Annoyingly, everyone sees my username- `automatic_oath_hunter`, which uh… well, no one's going to see my post history, right?

Reddit knows that something is going on, but have some theories:

  • The government tricked old people into going on "vacation"
  • It's a red dawn scenario (wtf? the movie with Thor in it? That movie sucked)
  • Jesus is returned (video of a vampire walking on water)
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